guys I’m not glowing it’s just great highlighter
It’s been 4 and a half months and I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that this is happening?!
I’m sitting here editing photos, going grocery shopping, living day to day and today I got goop poured on my stomach and saw a human’s heart beating in my body.
First of all, uh life is insane. Second of all it’s hard to realize what’s coming in my daily life because many days things don’t seem that different right now.
The first trimester was full of nausea, feeling hungrier than I ever have, extremely tired and more but I didn’t look any different. I also didn’t feel that different mentally. It’s been slow for me to process, as I knew it would be. Now in the second trimester I don’t feel as different with my body when I’m working, but things have changed other ways, physically and mentally.
I’m verrryyy slowly getting rounder. I almost always get a little dizzy when I stand up quickly. I can start to feel flutters that I would describe as when your stomach is rumbling when you’re hungry or digesting, but now I can tell he’s moving. I always thought that part would be so weird. It’s still very light so it’s not any jarring kicking, it’s just a small reminder that he’s real.
I’ve started to really dive into books about birth and I am shocked, amazed, horrified and really would like to pretend the end isn’t coming *cry cry*. I’ve hired a doula so I get to have someone with me throughout the process and tell me what the heck is going on, because heaven knows I’m going to be panickingggg. I seriously have a phobia of doctors offices.
Something I don’t convey online is how reluctant I am to show any emotion that feels like vulnerability. So the baby talk is hard for me. I don’t like when people expect me to feel or act emotional. I don’t like the thought of people in a room seeing me weak or tired. I really don’t like mushy things, asking for help, or hugs (I know I’m a grinch). This whole process rips apart all of my comfort zones and puts me in a highly vulnerable state, which gives me anxiety.
It’s a fairly strange trait about me, one that’s defined a lot of my real personality for anyone who knows me. It’s also one reason I was never quite looking forward to the pregnancy journey. So far it hasn’t been nearly as scary as I had imagined, which is a relief. All I’m saying is that if anyone tries to touch my stomach I will end you.
So a common question I’m getting:
“Am I excited for this baby?”
“Yes” one that I answer sort of without being able to dive in. I just think that question isn’t strongly worded enough for me to answer truthfully. It seems too… simple, too weak of a word to describe how I really feel throughout this process.
Here’s what I’d like to say:
“I’m scared. I don’t know what my birth story will look like. I don’t know if I’ll get hurt or if my baby will get hurt. I know enough to know that postpartum can be as difficult or harder than the birth that begins the whole next chapter.
I feel less unsure. I’ve started to repeat his name in my head, something we’re keeping to ourselves before he’s born.
I feel stronger. I’m inspired by the strength and power of women, I’m less ashamed of women’s bodies and more amazed by them, and feel more connected. I have a resolve to protect a new tiny person.
I’m alone. I spend every morning waking up and working, and nights reading books about birth while my husband fulfills his military duties far away and has to miss this part of my life.
I’m surrounded by people. By my closest friends and family who do nothing but pour love into me while I slowly mentally turn into a parent. I know that he’s coming home soon.
I can’t believe I’m going to raise a boy. I have 3 sisters. I gotta figure a lot of new stuff out, and it wasn’t what I envisioned. But that doesn’t mean anything and I’m used to plans changing”
I feel a little more ready every day. I have been mourning my past life and freedom and I will be sad to see it go. But I lived that chapter so fully. I’ve seen so much of the world already, built so much of my career and felt so fulfilled by what I can do and have accomplished. My husband and I went to college together, traveled together, moved together, done distance together and are strong together and are ready to give more without feeling like we missed out on anything.
With the physical body that just fluttered as I write this and my cat baby in my lap, I’m reminded that I’m content in the current moment. I’m just spending every day getting a little closer to what’s next, and that’s a lot to be heading toward.
Am I excited? How can I really know before it comes? But I can say with vigor that I will be ready, and that’s pretty exciting to me.
