From Birth to Now – First Year With My Baby
There are no words to describe what it’s like to become a mom, but I will try my best…
Today I’m accumulating my thoughts and how life has changed as a business woman, military spouse and first time mother. Let’s start from the very beginning (a very good place to start)
This was my pregnancy announcement July 2018. I got to visit my husband in Tokyo after he left for deployment and it was the perfect time to share the news while we were together. The scariest thing to face is the unknown. And pregnancy is a huge shift in direction on a completely new path. I wrote about how I felt about finding out I was pregnant already, which you can read here.
The biggest question I wanted answered over the first year of Oliver’s life was this: “Who will I be now that I have the responsibility of another life?”
My Birth Story
My life forever changed on the day my son, Oliver was born. I never shared my birth story, so I’ll write a little bit now. Truthfully it was a good birth. No horror stories, just pure intense boring wild crazy child birth.
1pm: My water broke 12 hours before Ollie was born. I was at home, and couldn’t figure out if I was water breaking leaking or if it was just weird pregnancy problems. After an hour I realized yes this must be my water “breaking”, but it didn’t gush all over the place like the movies always showcase. I told my husband that yes, he could continue taking his younger brother on his first hour long helicopter ride with him (my husband is a pilot) and that nothing had started yet.
I had hired a doula, who I adore and was a hero for me mentally as a terrified first time baby haver. I called her and let her know things were happening, and then waited at home for my contractions to start. Well absolutely nothing happened for about 5 hours. I bounced and walked up and down on stairs, but it was a very slow afternoon of me wondering what the heck the next 24 hours was going to be like. I ate a banana I think.
6pm: Finally we headed to the hospital, hoping to avoid too much intervention. I was nervous about them needing to give me pitocin, but my body naturally started contractions just as we arrived. They progressed fairly quickly from there. My doula arrived around 7:30pm? I’m guessing because I was very busy during this time breathing.
10pm: Contractions get to be painful, my doula is a goddess and is coaching me and giving me massages and doing all kinds of who knows what. She says I could make it without an epidural.
11pm: I start aggressively throwing up. I’m like “give me drugs”
12am: My husband says that the epidural guy arrives, annoyed that we woke him up to come and give it to me. Sorry bro I’m going through more than you are okay thanks. Epidural only takes on half of my body, the other half we can’t get it to “flow” to because the baby’s monitor goes off on that side.
1am: 45 minutes of pushing later, Oliver arrived at 6 lbs, 6 oz.
1 week old
When you first meet your baby, there is an immediate love there of course. But you don’t know each other yet. New mothers to be now ask me what that moment is like. Honestly it’s a big shock and you don’t always have time to process it right after the trauma of birth. So as time goes on, you start to fall more in love every day. The way his hair smells, the little turn he does when I put him in his crib at night, his excitement at bath time, his laugh. These are the things that turn you into a mother who will do anything on earth to keep her child safe.
1 month old
What Post Partum was for me
“Baby blues” hit me hard the first month after birth. It’s a stupid name that makes the emotional trainwreck after having a baby seem cute and trivial. Your body is reversing all the hormones it was storing when pregnant. You’re broken and healing. Your entire life and freedom is “ripped away” with the intense needs of a newborn and scares you into thinking it may always be this all encompassing. You’re trying to breastfeed. Turns out that’s the most difficult task of all. And everyone around you seems like they have it down and everything went swimmingly for them. But that’s not really true.
The responses on this instagram post I shared made me cry after sharing some of my own struggles during this time. It was the beginning of coming out of my post birth isolation. I’d say a month later I was back to being a rational human being. Thanks to all the mothers who have come before me who hold each other’s hands on this journey.
My husband adores his baby boy. I’m grateful to have him as my partner and parent with him. This deployment seems long and hard in the moment, but the rest of our lives will make up for the lost time.
2 months old – Rachel with Copper Collective Photography
Rachel with Copper Collective Photography
My sister’s visit to Hawaii, her first time meeting him
Oliver’s first trip to the mainland, 7 months old – Krista Suzanne Photography
I worried so much about what life would be like after a baby. Would I give up my identity? My free time? My career? Would I just morph into a “mother” character with no other unique qualities?
No. That’s not true. I am exactly who I used to be, just expanded. I love halloween and dislike anything too mushy. I made more money this year than any year previous. I found amazing childcare options while still spending so much time with my boy. I am able to relate to other parents, I like kids more than I used to. I created an email list, photographed at one of my dream wedding venues, and made it through 6 months of breastfeeding while working. I was strong while my husband worked 12 hour days and who left for 2 months and now is heading on another 6 month deployment. I learned how to make healthy meals for my baby to eat. I sometimes ordered pizza for myself when times got overwhelming.
I still feel like myself. Just plus one.
Sheila Chen Photography
10 months old
11 months old, almost a year
Oliver’s One Year Old Cake Smash <3
And now we’re here sweet boy. You’re a year old. You’re no longer a no personality mush ball of newborn, but a crawling, giggling, yelling, cuddling, learning little boy. At times it seemed like time was dragging on, specifically long sleepless nights, tears and scares. But now I see that it’s moving too fast. You will never be this little again, and I hope that I have soaked it up enough. It’s been a joy so far little one.
All my love,
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